On why I CAN'T EVEN.

I've been trying to wrap up my post about Puerto Vallarta for about a week now, and I just can't do it yet. I suppose that is the discipline that writers must build-to write even when it doesn't feel natural. I'd so much rather write about things on my mind so I can pour and process everything out into palatable words, because that's how my thoughts start to make sense. Journals and diaries are probably better for this stuff, but typing is faster and I love the sound of my keyboard going 'click click click'...

I'm going to be 27 in a few weeks, 15 days to be exact. I'm pretty sure I cried the afternoon I turned 26, not because I was officially in my late 20's but because I had just moved back to Portland and wasn't where I wanted to be in life. A year later, I've done pretty well for myself career wise, become a blondie, backpacked South America and trekked Macchu Picchu, found a paddling team, created a beautiful home for myself, traveled a bunch, fostered new friendships, paid off a huge chunk of student loans, living a very blessed life and I'm still single. Roll your eyes all you want at this constantly revisited rant of mine, it's my blog so I'll write what I want :D

Being single is not a disease, but I still hate it. I HATE dating-I hate the drama, I hate the games, I hate the pride and the hurt and the guessing and the waiting. Whenever I'm happily single-always when I'm the MOST happily single-it'll attract a random dude and he'll fuck everything up. I've learned how to close doors and bounce back more swiftly than ever by now (practice, my dear) but I can't stop this cycle and frankly, I'm too old for this now. And it still hurts every time. I literally can't even. All I want is to be in a kind, fun, loving and secure relationship with someone I respect and adore, and someone who treats me how I deserve to me treated (text me back, don't be late and buy me flowers-ridiculous expectations I've been told recently. Is there a middle finger emoji? Can someone make one please?) I would still love to fall in love.

A few weeks ago I taught a workshop for my company on Online Dating 101. Specifically, how to work Tinder. It was a roaring success (so I've been told) but a part of me was whispering inside, "so you'll meet someone in person and maybe you'll like each other...and THEN what?" During Q&A, someone in the class asked how online dating has worked out for me and I had to confess-I've gone on many awesome dates but I've never MET anyone. At least none that I remember anyway-no fireworks, no one I had to tell mom about right away, no one I wanted to make breakfast for (going out for brunch tastes better anyway). Online dating is exciting at first, and then it gets repetitive and depressing. It's definitely worth a shot, I just haven't lucked out yet.

Some of my girlfriends have vowed to be single for a period of their lives, so they can focus on their careers and schooling. Rachelle, Rose, Erica, I see you and I wish I could be you. You guys are my heroines. I did that senior year of university already, and involuntarily did it this past year and it was great, so can I please have a boyfriend now? Wait-I'll be 27 soon.

I guess it's time to confess: Boys, step aside. I'm looking for husband material this year. Is there an app for that?

#butfirstletmetakeaselfie