Wednesday, July 23, 2014

For the record

"We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It's easy. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These can be the most important people in your life, and you'll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there's one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition.

It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly set the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they're often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person will wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else."
-Instagram of a past love.

You win. 

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Why I CAN have nice things now.

I never thought I would enjoy being alone. But I so do.

Maybe it's a sign of getting older, or maybe it's just how life goes when you get more of a sense of self. Maybe this whole time I've been a closet introvert. I really don't know how it happened, but I'm so happy and relieved to do things alone lately that I surprise myself.  

I have mixed feelings about the fact that, most of my life I've had a boyfriend. Like, ever since I started dating. Looking back, none of them worked out and I was always happiest when I was single. It's hard to remain single. I've concluded that it must be because girls are the most attractive when they are content and passionate about life. Men are drawn to confident, ambitious women. I'm not saying that women in relationships aren't-I know many strong and wonderful women whom are blooming with great men by their sides. I'm just not one of them, and sadly I don't think I ever have been. I think I've shared an excerpt from this uber-depressing single Christian women's book once about two types of women. One type would rather use paper plates and plastic forks at home than nice china because they are waiting to find husbands to buy nice things and make a home with. The other type buys nice things even if they are alone, just for the sake of enjoying nice things themselves. Hell, they might even throw it down for a house on their own. Anyways...I've decided I can have nice things. 

And I think after over a decade of dating, I now feel nothing but overwhelmingly free. Just, completely free and whole. I don't need another half after all, and I'm not missing any pieces. It's liberating when  you suddenly realize you don't WANT to date. I only want play dates. And not that type of playdate either, you pervs. I also love my old/new friends but I don't need to be with them all the time either! It's unreal. Well, if you know me that is.

My mother is worried that I must have given up on life and taken to the bars, but no mother. I'm fine! I only drink a lot because there are so many cool places to drink near me, I have such great company, and Oregon beer is the BEST. I'm better than fine. I LOVE my job and feel tremendously lucky and grateful every day to be working in a community of other energetic, adventurous young folks that believe in connecting people as they explore the world. I can't believe my deepest fear is directly countered by my work slogan-BELONG ANYWHERE. I refuse to comment on the new logo.

So what HAVE I been doing? Well, I'm planning a long, single backpacking journey to South America later this year. I started volunteering at a homeless cafe. I got a new phone and with it, and phone contract (haven't committed to one for the last 5 years). I helped design and create a creative temp space room at work. Planning a getaway to Hawaii this fall. Facials. Went to another Timbers game. Taking up every opportunity to go on hikes and breweries. Went camping to remind myself I don't actually like camping. Trying really hard to go to the gym regularly and keeping an eye out for alternative fitness programs. Shopping for pretty clothes and shoes I like. I found a spanish school so I can start taking lessons again soon! Who knows, maybe I'll get a canvas and even start painting again. All these things make my soul happy.

I don't know where the journey will go, but I know where it begins.

PS. If any of you have responded to a post earlier last week about an offer by my work, don't worry! It was postponed but it will roll out this upcoming week. :)

PPS. Don't forget Brewfest this week!!!